Will You Flame Me?

malc says:
y shumin will wack my post?
malc says:
cos me not elitist scum?
malc says:
=x
Shelly和小Ernie says:
coz she is elitist and uncaring and dun understand YOU and YOUR PLIGHT and your INABILITY TO DONATE TO YOUR ALUMNI
malc says:
and i got bad english
malc says:
>.<
Shelly和小Ernie says:
YA!
malc says:
that bad hah...=x
malc says:
help me correct =x
Shelly和小Ernie says:
ya like she will take the time to read your blog
Shelly和小Ernie says:
=X
malc says:
i am not worth her elitist uncaring face =x

Noone will come flame you la Malc. Or me. You more likely though. My post the paragraphing like crap. 1 big chunk here 1 big chunk there. Worse than essay. And teachers get paid to read essays. And see the stupid tagboard. Noone even comes here lor. Can't even complain that the layout of this site drives readers away!

Actually we or you or me get flammed better. Then this site get some publicity, then maybe really can try to earn money off it. Hahahaha.

And no, NUS, even if we did earn money off this site we are still not donating any money to you.

Why I do not donate to NUS

This is in reference to a ST article - Just 1% of alumni donate to NUS, By Sandra Davie, Education Correspondent.

The reason I will give for now - Is that I am not actively looking for a job now and my financial reserves are... dangerously low. I would like to keep my state of jobless freedom for now and I do not think that it will change as NUS is now calling for donations. >.<

1) Quoting ST: "first annual giving drive in September last year, by sending out appeal letters to 150,000 former students"
Personally, sending the appeal letter to me now is kind of pointless? I just graduated? I got my own tuition fee loans to settle? Got to pay back else it is 4.7% interest? How many batches of students are covered in the '150,000 former students' anyway? A suggestion will be to try removing the ones that are freshly embarking on their journey to the pits of debt hell because of the following reasons - aging jobless parents; tuition fee loan debtees who have to pay back at least 500 a month else they will still be paying for the tuition fee loans after they are 30; those following the government's call for more babies and getting married and thus having to pay 800 dollars a month for the next 20 years on a 4 room flat and other misc expenses that are neccessary but adds up to very huge. The list goes on. If you are not damn rich or what, you will not any savings at all for the next 5 years unless you earn a lot more than the 2.5k that my friends are earning.

Ok la... Maybe someday we might REALLY strike it rich and all be earning a lot more than 2.5k a month. RIGHT. Too far in future - I can't see it. Not relevant to me.

I mean seriously, how many of us have spare cash? The call for donations and the guilting of people to do so gets annoying.

From the endless flag days to the regular heart and kidney foundation thingies and now we have this too? Blaming us for not sparing any cash for the needy when we are not exactly very affluent.

How many of the 150,000 former students are in this category? Almost everyone below the age of 35 I suspect.

2) Comparison to elite foreign universities.
Different culture. Different paychecks. Different systems. I do not aspire to be Harvard-class in my donations. Sorry, it is just not one of my childhood fantasies.

3) Feeling of dodginess of err.. misc.. stuff..
Quoting ST: "A common question we face is, Why should I give? Isn't this the Government's responsibility?" and "Government funding here is generous - about 70 per cent of the cost of educating a student comes from public funds"

The... foreigners... get... it... too... But that is not the point for this issue.

Yes. They bother to break down what our donations is for (so they claim anyway). I heard from a friend of mine from medicine faculty that NUS NEVER does break down what our school fees is for. The medicine faculty has tried in vain for decades to obtain a straight answer from them and even brought the matter up to parliament and in the end no breakdown is ever obtained. Eventually, what my friend remember of the answer was: "It is all placed in a big pool of money somewhere and the office of finance is unable to break it down".

GG.

I do not believe NUS will ever break down how they are spending our 6k school fees and the additional 70% of the government funding. But I see. Could it be in the new University hall that is so grand and... useless (to me at least)... Could it be in the new house/building our high ranking NUS staff got? Could it be in the roads that they repaved for no reason other than to receive the cars of important guests? Could it be in the events held in school with regards to research that always seem to get limitless funding when we always have to beg for funds for student activities? Could it be that it is used for the impeccable landscaping of the NUS facilities? Maybe they paid off a wizard somewhere to magic away all the fallen leaves that - wait a minute - can you even find a dead leaf the streets of NUS?

Sidetracking a little, I was walking in SMU recently and it felt wonderful to have many dead leaves on the ground and floating in the wind around me. It feels so nice and reel like those colleges you see in TV. In real life NUS, it is just rare to find.

4) Status of students in NUS

Face it. We are the lowest part of the food chain in NUS. Except for those poor aunties that have to clean the toilets every 2-3 hours at budget rates and have to walk up and down stairs though some have leg problems.

Overall rigidity of the system. More concerned about their admin than wanting to help us. They did not seek for my understanding so I am bad mouthing them now. Too bad.

A computing professor lamented to a friend of mine that it is better to do research in NUS because you can obtain helpers for free.

A pharmacy student informed me that ALL pharmacy students have to spend 10+ weeks of their Jul holidays almost EVERY holiday working for guardian at a I-could-only-describle-as-'measly' rate of 5 Singapore Dollars a day. Even SAF pays more. I cannot believe that I am actually saying that.

Approaching school admin to help you solve your woes is only met with red tape after red tape as you are led in circles to find an answer, which you will find once someone decides that you bugged them enough that they rather take responsibility for your problem.

At least 2 faculties out of 2 that I know do not give a flying shit about poly students when it comes to the planning of their academic module planning.

Term breaks turn from 'one week full of project work' to 'no term break with school and same amount of project work' to "4 days of pseudo term break (after they consulted an oracle probably given the stuff that they had to think about when finally deciding on the number 4) that all the lecturers try to pretend that it is not really a break anyway by inserting lectures".

Random sidetrack: I do not know what happened to Aaron Tan but looking at the aftermath, the ones that caused his misery are really... really... CCBs.

Anyway, yes we graduated and somehow they are trying to make us feel important now.

5) Learning experience

Quoting ST: "NUS helped me discover myself and my true potential"

Sadly, in summary, the most important thing I learnt there is we all have different agendas so let us all try to reach it while being with each other. I do not regret and I do appreciate that I am in NUS SoC. It is just ironic that I do not think I turned out the way they wished for us to turn out. I like it like that though. =x

6) "Last year, it employed a direct marketing company to do the calling."

I am sorry I am partly an Communications and New media (Used to be known as Info-comm.) graduate and somehow the training I receive there makes me view marketing with great suspicion.

My reaction is: "OMGWTFBBQ is that what they are using our school fees for too?" But then on secound thought if it works I do not really mind.

I really do not like the way charities are going in Singapore.


It is not like I am so damn sheltered I cannot see the plight of the beneficiaries. Even if I wanted to donate I will donate to individual people. Where I know how my money is being spent. Not to something like NKF. "Remember remember the fifth of november; the gunpowder, the treason, the plot." This qoute has nothing to do with the issue but it just slipped into my thoughts.

Here is my excuses for not donating. What's yours? =D

What happens when you drink tea at 4:30am

Then your brain produces bizarre endorphins and you think the world about yourself?

malc says:
my blog best right?
malc says:
=x
malc says:
layout wise =x
malc says:
and color
malc says:
=x
Shelly和小Ernie says:
it actually look about the same as gideon's one
malc says:
it is!
malc says:
EEK

Ernie: Heeheeheeheehee

And then the Ernie laughs at you. Again. Ernie needs to go for a social ettiquette course.

Latecoming >.<

Posted on request of Sophia. Posted because it is cute anyway after all the context of the original purpose of this piece is no longer relevant anyway. =x

Have you been a latecomer today?

Reasons for late coming

Priorities

When it comes to something important, like your first date or your graduation ceremony or your plane trip, most people will not be late. Most people would be early. If you find that you are not late for some meetings, but are late for others, PRIORITIES is your reason for latecoming. If not, look at SLOTH and GROSS TIME MISMANAGEMENT.

Sloth

If you are rendered unable to move by your low energy or large mass or both resulting in too much inertia, that is SLOTH, one of the 7 cardinal sins. Increasing your energy or lowering your mass or both could help you overcome inertia. Increasing your mass and lowering your energy could also help in theory, for you will soon exert enough of a gravitational pull to attract the meeting to you or distort space-time. In which case, sloth will cause you to be late ALL the time.

Gross Time Mismanagement

You severely miscalculated the time and effort needed to get to the meeting location. Everything is known to you but you are probably someone who fails math or logic or both.

External factors

You are locked in a jail cell whose bars you cannot overcome (EXTERNAL FACTOR). You broke a leg before the meeting time so that hindered your movement speed (Note that if you broke a leg and went hospital the reasons will be PRIORITIES though). You get caught in an unanticipated traffic jam before the meeting time, lowering your movement speed. (Note that if you are caught in an anticipated traffic jam that is a matter of PRIORITY though because you have not made allocations for it). These factors occur occasionally for most people.

Main reason for latecoming?

I am going to make a sweeping generalization and say that most of the time, it is due to Priorities. It could be also about Gross Time Mismanagement, I get Cs for my math all the time. Sloth is least commonly seen.

Pros of latecoming

1) More time for yourself

Comments: Need I say more?

2) Illusion of importance

Comments: Everyone waits for YOU. You get an ego boost and more endorphins.

Cons of latecoming

1) Overall drop in group efficiency

Comments: Everyone stones and waits for you. Unproductive for group.

2) Group realization that you are disrespecting their time, or worse, them

Comments: Every meeting you gather the time of everyone else and sacrifice them on the altar on which you are on the pedestal. How long will it take for them to realize that and start taking action against you?

Whatever the reason is, you do not want people to focus on your latecoming habits, because it is bad news to have people think that they are not your top priority or that you are a lazy person or a fail-math person.

Why become a successful latecomer?

While the cons are disturbing, the pros are excellent. After all, who is more important than yourself? Though I do not claim to be a competent latecomer (I am terrible in fact), but I am learning. Here are some tips and tricks that I have learned over these couple of years that appear to be effective:

Latecoming Tactics 101

1) Be late every time

Comments: Using the tactic of inoculating your publics, they will be gradually used to the fact that you are late and this will become a non-issue. Whereas if you are not consistent, your latecoming will stick out like a sore thumb in your record. Yes, be late even when you take a cab down, just for the sake of consistency.

2) Believe that your time is more important than anyone else’s and IMPOSE that belief on them.

Comments: Being the selfish way we are, of course we know that our time is more important than other’s. The trick lies with IMPOSING the belief. Encase yourself with an aura of self importance. Pick up more socially acceptable vices like courses or sleeping or boy-girl relationships. Use them as excuses when they ask for one, do not offer them yourself.

3) Inform the coordinator less than 15 mins before the meeting starts

Comments: Right before the meeting so you are less at fault. Directly before the meeting so no one can bug you about your latecoming because they have more important things on their mind. After all, the early comers can always entertain each other.

4) Take a cab to the meeting or at least pretend that you have. (But still be late anyway) Remember to tell everyone that you have taken a cab

Comments: Since you spent so much money and energy getting to the meeting, albeit late, they should appreciate the effort else it will be inhumane.

5) Believe that you are early

Comments: Make sure everyone thinks so too. Ask them why are they so early to bring the point home.

6) Positive attitude when late

Comments: Looking flustered will gain you sympathy points. Giggling and smiling will bring about distraction from the issue that you are late because flirting is effective and will raise the overall endorphin level of the meeting. Sashaying in will gain you style points.

7) Contingency diversionary tactics

Comments: This requires a quick mind. Enter the meeting grounds and note anything controversial. Like “Ahhh!... You cut your hair. So ugly. Where you cut one?” Your latecoming issue will be missed.

8) Make small improvements, but still be late and then make sure everyone knows that you are trying. But remember to be still late.

Comments: Everyone likes to hear sob stories of one who tries hard but doesn’t succeed. Occasional improvements will lighten your guilt (if you feel any) and their blames.

9) Be creative!

Comments: Do not know why I placed this point. That is what people do when they run out of points apparently. So deal with it.

Start being a latecomer today!

Practice makes perfect! Every lie you tell will make it easier! Every bit of time you save by being late will make you yearn for more as you feel empowered from all the extra time and endorphins that you are going to get!

Look Me in the Eye

In one of the episodes in season 1 of Ally Mcbeal, Billy (Ally's ex) tells Ally that while they used to lock eyes during sex, he and Georgia (his wife) don't really look at each other during the act. There was the question of whether people only look at their partners during sex if they really are in love with that person. So I wondered, when I have sex, would I be able to tell if I truly love that person and if he loves me if we look at each other, and what would it mean if we didn't. Then it suddenly occurred to me that I was once told that it was rude to stare when kissing someone (no, I wasn't being scolded for staring at someone while kissing him....), and I quite think this is right, so wouldn't it be impolite to look at someone during sex?

It is possible that looking at your partner during sex helps to coordinate simultaneous orgasms, which are supposed to increase the chances of the female getting pregnant. Thus, it would follow that if you really are in love with someone, and you are having sex with that someone (and assuming that this is true also for the other party), you both are likely to be in sync during sex, and since people in love are much more likely to want a pregnancy than people having one night stands, simultaneous orgasms are likely to follow, which would increase the chance of fertilisation occurring, and if looking at each other helps them orgasm at the same time, people in love would tend to look at each other during sex.

Ok. That extra long sentence is confusing me too. In short: people in love more likely than people not in love to want to pregnancy to occur -> simultaneous orgasms increases chances of pregnancy occuring -> looking at partner during sex boosts chances of simultaneous orgasms -> people in love likely to look at each other during sex. Or something like that.

Back to me looking at partner during sex (no not bridge partner don't be disgusting). I somehow think this may be a rare occurence, if it ever does occur. In the first place, I'm still quite a stickler for the staring-while-kissing-is-impolite 'rule'. And I have problems looking at people anyway. Maybe it's due to a lack of self-confidence. Malcolm commented that I don't really look at people when I talk to them. I know I don't. But I'm not sure why. Maybe I like to look around too much. Maybe I'll get bored if I keep looking at someone while talking to them (I know that when I stare at my lecturer/professor while he/she is talking I usually am not really listening haha). I do know that when I first met my current semi-fixed bridge partner (term coined by him, not me; not sure if this really describes the situation fully, but that is another story. What DOES it mean anyway? Is it the relationship equivalent of an open marriage, or in friendster terms, 'it's complicated'?) because he offered to give me a ride home from NUS, I only had a vague idea of how he looked like after I got down from the car. It didn't matter that he got lost on the way to my house, making the usual 10-15 minute journey a 1/2 an hour one. I looked out the left window, out the windscreen, at my file, in my file, at the door, and basically everywhere else except at him for the 30 minutes. I have to admit that it was because I was kind of too shy to look at him >.<. But even with people I know well, I still don't really look at them when I talk to them.

Slight detour here. When I am in the passenger seat of cars, the driver (male of course, but that's because my mother doesn't drive and most of the people I know with a driver's licence and access to a car are males.... or maybe not =P) tends to get lost. It absolutely does not help that I cannot read the street directory properly. I couldn't do map reading for Geography in Secondary school until a miracle happened in Sec 4 and I could suddenly get 10/10, instead of the usual 2/10 (even lower than the probability calculated average of 2.5/10 for guessing an answer out of 4). I think it really isn't me, it's them, because they seem to be able to get lost whether I'm there or not (given by the length of time I have to wait for them to appear sometimes). So there. No more complaints about female drivers, ya? (Nothing mentioned about female Vehicle Commanders here heehee). But I still maintain that I am better than giving directions than my cousin, who just after I got my licence, told me when I was driving down the AYE on the rightmost lane in a manual car that had no power steering that I had to exit immediately (pointing to a very visible exit on the far far far left lane), because that was his exit, and he didn't know how to get back from the next exit =X.

So back the the staring bit. I remember when I was in RGS, my friend told me that her dad told her that when you talk to people, you should always look them in the eye because that was the polite thing to do. I decided that it was probably correct, so I tried to do that. Shortly after, during some really boring assembly, I was yanked out of my class for talking to my classmate. (That teacher really had something against me. My classmate was allowed to remain seated. This wasn't my first brush with that teacher, but I really have no idea why she disliked me that much, considering she hardly knew me, not having taught me a single subject, not being me ECA teacher, and not even being in the same House as me.) Another student from another class was also being disciplined by being made to stand next to her. There was this really bizarre part where the teacher came up to me and whispered something that I thought was 'They are taking the flower pots out' (I am quite sure I heard her wrongly, but I'll never know =X). So I stared blankly at her and she retorted 'I thought you'd like to know what is going on'. Then later she dragged the both of us aside and reprimanded us on talking during assembly. Being nice and young and innocent, I decided that it would only be right if I looked right at her and accepted her scolding properly. Believe me, that was really hard to do. But of course, it backfired with her telling me that I was being isolent, unlike the other student who was showing remorse by looking at the floor. So I got to stand next to her somemore while the other student returned to her place, and I gave up on trying to get my eyes to focus on people when I talked to them. (You can read more about my brushes with discipline in my school days here =b)

Thus, I think that I will never be able to actually lock eyes with anyone during sex, even if I am totally utterly in love with them. It's not polite, and it isn't in me to do that anyway. Apologies to my future sex partner(s)/boyfriend(s)/husband (this one I quite insist on having only one >.<) should you feel slighted that I don't look at you during sex. Perhaps if it affects you that much you could try to link pleasure and eye-locking in my brain by catching my eye during sex, holding my gaze and giving me a really, really, big orgasm =D.

The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

An excerpt from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Chapter 34).

It (a Blagulon Kappa policecraft) seemed somehow unnaturally dark and silent, even for a ship whose two-man crew was at that moment lying asphyxiated in a smoke-filled chamber several miles beneath the ground. It is one of those curious things that is impossible to explain or define, but one can sense when a ship is completely dead.

.
.
.

'That ship hated me,' he (Marvin, the Paranoid Android) said dejectedly, indicating the policecraft.

'That ship?' said Ford in sudden excitement. 'What happened to it? Do you know?'

'It hated me because I talked to it'

'You talked to it?' exclaimed Ford. 'What do you mean you talked to it?'

'Simple. I got very bored and depressed, so I went and plugged myself in to its external computer feed. I talked to the computer at great length and explained my view of the Universe to it,' said Marvin.

'And what happened?' pressed Ford.

'It committed suicide,' said Marvin, and stalked off back to the Heart of Gold.

If looks could kill? I think killing with words could actually be humanly possible. I wonder if I could ever kill anyone with the crap that comes out of my mouth, since I have the flair for talking too so much (see post below). Maybe the poor person listening to me will die of boredom *gigglez*.

Rerolling

After I wrote my post on death and the afterlife, Malcolm brought up the idea of rerolling, and how he would like to reroll. I thought about it, and said that actually, I kind of like my current roll. I may not be of sky-high intellect, I may not have model-like features and looks, or even be of average height. I may not have the inbuilt charisma that draws crowds. But I realise that I don't really want all of this from life. I have a pretty decent roll Ernie: and you have me!, and what I really don't like about my life is how I spent it. The way I used the talents I was born with, the choices I made through this journey. That's what I am really unhappy about. And Malcolm agreed. Finding the restart button for this life would be something I would be keen on doing.

But today, he touched on the point that rerolling would mean a different family, and how that might have affected us in a totally different way. I must agree that my family is something I keep complaining about, but looking at all the families around, and those that keep on popping up in the news and all that, and I'm actually grateful that my family, though dysfunctional in ways normal families are (or possibly slight more than the average family), isn't totally messed up. I didn't get (overtly) physically abused as a child, there was no sexual abuse, and I can't really say my parents didn't provide for me financially. Yes, they do like my brother much more than me, and he does get hell a lot more benefits than I ever did or will get, but they did take care of me all the same.

Then, on the way home, my mother calls me (yes, she called me when I was right outside my doorstep, a common practice of hers...) and asked me where I went. I told her I went for breakfast. She asked if I went alone (??!!). I said no, I went with Malcolm. She asked who he was. I told her he lives next door. She asked who he was again. I said he was from RJC. Then I hung up on her because she doesn't pay my phone bills I was at my doorstep. She chased me from the door all the way into my room asking all about Malcolm. I repeated that he lived next door, and she said I told her he lived in Ang Mo Kio (??!!). I said he's not Gilbert!

At this point, I have to detract from my mother to people associating guys with me. I don't know if it's me, or just something adults (fine people at least 10 years older than me) do. Malcolm's response to being thought of as Gilbert by my mother was 'i am.. mistaken for gilbert' followed by 'she tot i was gilbert?' slightly later in the conversation, as if he couldn't believe the fact that my mother would think he was Gilbert. Neither could I. My mother is mad. (This will be made more evident later.) At the recent IMP pairs (bridge event), Greta thought that Licai was Gilbert when we signed up. I wasn't even signing up as a pair with Licai (and no, I wasn't signing up as a pair with Gilbert either, and neither was Licai.) Licai went into shock after that, possibly more from being mixed up with Gilbert than Greta not remembering who he was. For Greta's benefit, it was 9am on a Sunday morning and she was probably 1/2 asleep (I know I was more than 3/4 asleep), why is probably why she tried to charge my partner who has been working for several years the student rate.

After my fixed partnership with Licai dissolved, I was dragged aside during a bridge session and asked if I had changed my boyfriend. o.O. I told him frankly that since the first time I ever met him, Licai and I were not attached. It's bizarre. That guy doesn't even play bridge with his own wife all the time. And then I'd get comments from people who were saying that young people change bridge partners all the time. Er? They do it more frequently than I do >.<. And these were for ordinary weekday sessions, not for serious competitions where people usually play with their fixed partners. I, however, completely understand Gilbert being called Gideon for several sessions, given the similiarity in their names. (As with the above 2 scenarios, I think Gideon is more affected by this than Gilbert.) Licai apparently got it worse. He told me that for one session where he went with another girl, the guy he signed up with absolutely refused to believe he was playing with some other female, repeating my name over and over again and even writing it down despite Licai's ardent protests. When he finally got his point across, he was told 'Young people these days...' ZZZZZZZ. Don't these people know it's very unhealthy to play bridge with people you are dating/married to?

Ok, so back to my mother. I told her approximately 10 times that Malcolm lived next door, and 5 times that he came from RJC. Maybe my mother forgot that I went to RJC. She kept asking how I knew him. In the end, I gave up, and told her Malcolm was from NUS, which weirdly enough, got her to leave me alone. Not before, of course, asking me if Malcolm was this guy who lives in my estate (that guy is also the same as as Malcolm and I, and also has all his siblings coming from Raffles). ARGH.

Mother, if you ever ever read this, I am not attached to Malcolm, Gilbert or Licai! And no, please don't even entertain the thought that I am attached to more than one of them! I would add something here about your son, but I think he is more likely to find this site than you are, and he would kill me.

I suspect somewhere along the way of reading this post, someone will go 'hmm I was right about her after all this' and send me SMSes/MSN messages telling me how so. If you are that person, for goodness sake. Read the entire post first. THEN you can message bash me all you wish.

So yes, possibly if I could reroll, and get a more normal mother, I would. But the thing about rerolls is that it's all a gamble. I kinda like myself in this roll, and I don't know if I would like to gamble away this relatively normal family for a more dysfunctional one. Is it worth it? People usually don't know what they have until it's gone.

When Angus was a fixture in my life, my mother would keep telling me how there were 'so many fish in the sea' (yes so cliche..) and how I shouldn't settle on the one person so early in life etc etc. It went on nearly forever. She just never stopped. Not that it really affected me. I learnt a long time ago that everything she said should be taken with a (really big) pinch of salt (= ignored). But then I decided to go exploring. Suddenly, she kept harping on how nice Angus was.

And the big punchline. 'He really loves you.'

Well, at least she noticed in the end. Isn't that the most important part of a relationship your daughter is in? That she is in a relationship with someone who loves her and wants to take care of her? And will try to to his best capabilities? At least one person in my family realised this when it wasn't yet over. Sad to say, it wasn't me.

My feelings on this? 'The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back.' (Melanie Carmichael - Sweet Home Alabama)? Or maybe 'My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with' ('Because of You' by Kelly Clarkson. Even the title of this song seems apt.)? The song 'What If' by Kate Winslet probably expresses it best. 'If I had stayed, if you tried, if we could only turn back time.' We were supposed to find out in 2 years' time. I wonder if the ending of the song will be the end of this chapter. 'I guess we'll never know.'

In one of her closings in Ally McBeal, Ally said that people seldom say the found the right person; they usually say they let the right one slip away. I don't know if I've done that yet. But the regret that I feel and could possibly feel over one single part of my life makes me wonder. Is rerolling all that great? Will it take away the pain? Will it make living any much better? I really believe that you can't fully appreciate something until it's gone. And then you'll regret ever having let it go. So I don't think I'd want to reroll this life for another, because if I ever knew of this life in my next life, I'd likely live that life in permanent regret.