A Prayer for Rain

Yesterday, I was somewhat brutally informed that this anti-PAP sentiment always ran high in the period leading up to the elections; that the people in Singapore always complained but voted for the PAP in the end; that yes, this time the younger generation who would actually dare to vote against the PAP after saying they would are eligible to vote but that the PAP would still win.

It's been a long time since I have come to this sanctuary.

What was I hoping for? The PAP to actually lose? That's not even possible, Despite what some foreign 'talent' says (that the PAP will win because the opposition doesn't make up enough seats -.-") being untrue, I understand that the PAP will probably still be the majority in Parliament.

But that does not mean it has to win.

I am not hoping for the PAP to lose. But the very fact that they may very well get away with all their (mis)deeds totally unscathed is truly scaring me.

I will admit that my first gripe with the PAP in this elections arose from Ms Tin Peiling. I looked at her and discounted her not just as a politician, but also as a potential employee. Yes, I judged this from her looks, the way she carried herself. But really, I would expect a politician to at least be able to look and SOUND decent. Even a 14-year-old student feels this way (yes, I actually asked A 14-year-old student :P). As with most Singaporeans, the unhappiness comes not from the fact that this girl gets to run but from the fact that she's going to sail into a $15k/month salary on the back of Singapore's beloved second Prime Minister. And more importantly, I am upset that Mr Wang pities the citizens of Singapore because they have such a government.

Why should we need such pity from such an arrogant person? Because we have such an arrogant government?

And arrogance is really the word of choice. Before the campaigning started, I thought that hey, the PAP would still win but that the opposition would make them sit up and take notice. And that this would be a stepping stone for the Singapore to become a true democracy and for the opposition to have proper competition in the next elections.

But no, even now the PAP has to prove me wrong. After listening and watching a whole bunch of nonsense up till Tuesday night, I was swayed to believe that that PAP was actually trying to LOSE the elections. Either that or that they believed they could do all that and get away with it because, hey, they are the PAP after all.

We know the PAP; we know which of the above-mentioned two suggestions it is.

And with this knowledge, there is a resounding fear in me that the PAP will win.

To me, it doesn't matter that the opposition may not have true concrete plans as stated by one of my friends on facebook. Yes, I agree with you that I would really like a politician who had solid good plans for the building of my nation and that waiting to see what could be done after being elected in may not be the best bet. But I say, I prefer this much greatly to the idea of the ruling party having concrete plans that benefit itself regardless of whether the citizens benefit.

And much as you can say that this is NOT what they have said they are going to do, this is what they are making me feel.

Dear citizens of CCK GRC (who may not live in CCK at all) who wish to have the PAP govern their estate, I apologise that I cannot aid you in this matter. Possibly because I don't live in CCK GRC but am being forced to vote for that GRC; this despite the fact that I changed my residential address in the first week of January this year and that the one and only property I own is not in CCK GRC.

As I used to tell my students, if you have a problem, you don't just complain--you find a way to fix it and suggest the solution. Thus I will not wish for the opposition to be successful. Thus I will not ask for wish for PAP's loss.

I pray for rain this Saturday. And a flood. Not a big one to take lives but a sufficiently large one to cleanse us all. Because if that is what it will take to open people's eyes, so be it.

Blog?

So nobody blogs here anymore.
Everyone is dating. Except me. :)

And I bought a url to humor myself with, and hopefully it doesn't end up being a one entry per year kinda thing.

Blah. >> Myron Tay <<

Diu

WAH Half a year no new post. how can!!!!!! All wow and lotr too much la!

Just for Alex Loh

After I told Alex that he had a honourable mention in the previous post, he demanded to know why I didn't write more about him.

Alex! says:
...
Alex! says:
why
Alex!
says:
am i not the STAR of ur blog

So, I asked for his Chinese name so that I could do a proper dedication on the site to him.

Shelly says:
wad is your chinese name?
Alex! says:
....
Alex! says:
"wad is your chinese name"
sounds very suspicious.........

Wei. Alex. Want to be star of blog but don't want to give out full identity. How can.

Of Teaching and Volunteering

Although it is quite evident that this blog has practically 0 readership (hmm I think I will make Ernie read my post later), I shall start to blog again here because I have nothing better to do in school typing induces the growth of fingernails and I have once again bitten them all off.

Really. Nailclippers are only for the big toenails when they grow to unreasonable lengths (i.e. a well placed kick from me would cause an imprint of my nail to be left on your shin), because I am not flexible enough to bite the nails off there, and i am unable to peel them off.

Ok fine. I get bored too easily and bitting fingernails is just another way for me to pass time. Which is why I have to grow back those nails or I'd seriously die of boredom.

So ya, I found my Degree Scroll. My mother had it after all. She hid it away in her cupboard. Goodness knows for what. It's not as if she wanted to keep me at home for the rest of her life - she has been after me to get a job for just about forever. I was right, however, about the temporary clerks in MOE (none of them read this blog, I presume =P). I probably could have gotten away with never letting them see my Degree Scroll by using the I've-already-sent-it-in and the I-never-received-your-letter methods. When I went for the interview, the guy at the counter (whom I assume is a temp clerk, him looking young and dressing rather casually) took all my documents, including the originals, to sort out and check. After my interview, all the originals were returned to me, and I checked with him that everything I needed to hand in was there. He said that it was, and that I was free to go. So I did.

A couple of days later, someone from MOE (whom I also think was a temp clerk, the permanent staff having better things to do than call up errant teachers-to-be) called me on my handphone, and asked me to send in a copy of my IC. I told her that I had already submitted a copy on the day of the interview, and also informed her that the guy who checked my documents confirmed with me before I left that he had all the necessary documents. She insisted that they did not have a copy of my IC, and requested that I fax a copy in. So I did what I normally do to unreasonable people over the phone (grrr I don't have a fax machine leh!) - I scolded her (for losing the photocopy of my IC). The only reason she was spared further trauma from me was that I used to be a temp clerk at MOE too, and not only did I have to deal with teachers who were blatantly lying about the submission of their documents (I mean seriously, how is it possible that you only receive the reminders and not the first letter we sent requesting for a copy of one of your certs, which you were supposed to have sent in a long time ago?), I also requested for some guy to send in his ORD cert 3x because I was too lazy to check the file properly. Thank you Wilson Lin for pointing this out to me. I would also thank this guy for complying each time I asked for it by name, but I can't remember what his name is I had signed a nondisclosure agreement with MOE.

Well anyway, I agreed mail them a copy of my IC, and of course, being me, I didn't. A few days later, I noticed the photocopied IC in Angus' aunt's car's glove compartment. Heehee. Oh well. He DID say he had all my documents right.

Now, more than 2 months later, I have yet to be contacted (again) about the lack of the photocopied IC.

MOE decided to hire me in the end, even without the copy of my IC. Bah. Don't they already have COPIES of my IC anyway. And they decided to post me to a school starting 10 September, which is just after the school holidays. Which means I get to go in during the school's examination period. And do WHAT? Get money for doing practically nothing? Not that I particularly mind heh. However, the other contract teacher who is sitting opposite me in one of the smaller staff rooms (yes, Willy, I am talking about you) suggested that if he were to give MOE a reason for terminating their employment, it would be that during the short stint he spent at PJC, he had nothing to do, he had not learnt anything, and has hence lost his direction in life.

I told him MOE would use that as grounds to fire him, on the basis that since he doesn't want to get paid for doing nothing, he would most probably be deemed as having some psychological problem.
The PJC teachers are very protective of their students (or so says the Principal), and hence I was not allowed to interfere with their preparations for the exams by being allowed to teach them. Good move, I say =X.

Willy Chua, I am laughing to myself because I have decided to sabo you and mention your name on this blog. Happy? Lalalala....

The HOD of Project Work in PJC, whom I have the (mis)fortune to be acquainted with, has given 'volunteering' a whole new meaning. On the first day, he announced to the other teachers during the meeting that the three contract teachers had volunteered to take over invigilation duties of teachers who for some reason or other cannot make it for their invigilation slot. After assembly on Monday morning, he came up, stood infront of Willy, looked at Willy and said that he needed one of us to volunteer to invigilate. Ok. Fine. Maybe he did look at Jennifer or me. I was too busy trying to remember if had any class to observe during the time of invigilation. But he was definitely standing infront of Willy, who was at the end of the row (of the 3 of us heh). Perhaps this is the way people are 'volunteered' in the army (can't remember, did Jennifer or Willy suggest this? Certain activites probably DO cause the death of brain cells =.="). During Tuesday morning's assembly, Willy was at invigilation, and Jennifer was standing with her mentor, so I was alone. I got approached after assembly and asked if one of us could volunteer for that afternoon's invigilation.

Alex commented that CKL could not possibly be a Maths teacher, because he does not understand that ¹C₁ = 1. Lol, good one Alex, but CKL teaches Maths haha. So does that mean it's his concept of volunteering that differs from the general population's?

Yesterday, while Willy and I were in the staff room chatting on MSN organising the content of the laptops that were loaned to us, Mr Chue came in looking for Jennifer (who sits in the other staff room with her mentor) to ask her to invigilate an exam that afternoon. So, because I am me, I decided to point out to him that his request for people to volunteer was never a really a request. To which he replied that since Willy and I have both invigilated before, it was Jennifer's turn. Today, Jennifer told us that she received a missed call from him, and an SMS to which she did not reply to. When she returned to a desk, she saw a note telling her to invigilate that afternoon's paper. So much for 'volunteering' =X. Why he did not leave a note on the desk for us so we could volunteer Jennifer let Jennifer volunteer herself is beyond me.

I now think that Mr Chue is a very evil person who does not let me volunteer for things (I very on leh! I like to volunteer for interesting things like invigilation! So fun!), and does not say hi to me when he sees me in random places in school; except for that one time on day 1, where he asked if I was influenced by Jason to teach. Doh. I applied to teach before in 2003, ok, long before I knew of Jason's existence. (I blithely ignored their offer of employment after getting into Honours haha.) But since Mr Chue looks like a huge teddy bear (no I'm not going to hug him -.-) he can continue to be mean to me T.T.

During the course of typing out this super long post (haha hey look Malcolm, my lengthy posts are back!) the head of Science came to see me just to ask how things were, and yay I had my legs folded up on the chair =P. He didn't say anything about that though. I also got scolded by the subject head of Biology for sleeping in another teacher's class. Argh. I apologised to one of the teachers for doing that ok. Sighz. Why that student complain about my sleeping. I didn't even put my head on the table bleah. I am however rather embarassed about managing to actually fall asleep in another teacher's class. Grrrrr.

Gerald, I blame you for making me WoW the night before =D.

Help Me Malcolm!

Some time ago, Malcolm offered to Photoshop a Degree for Ruixian (see post).

I have an interview with MOE next week (to teach Biology and ENGLISH o.O) and they have requested (ok, fine, they said it is compulsory) for me to bring my University Transcripts and my Degree Scroll. I really have no idea why. On the website where I applied, they have already asked me if they can access my records (I think NUS and MOE share some database) and I have already agreed.

So I dug out all the copies of the transcripts sent to me each semester over the 4 years I was an Undergraduate in NUS. Found them all easily during the raid =P (Hehheh noone from my WoW guild reads this right). And then, I suddenly realise I have absolutely no idea where my degree scroll is. I can't even remember if it is laminated. All I remember is that it is with the certificate of my participation in the University Scholars Programme, and of course, I also have no idea where that cert is.

I know my first reaction to getting a new cert would be to get copies of it. Oddly enough, I also cannot find ANY copies of either certificate. My parents don't have my scroll. (Or so they claim. I will go dig in their room when they go to work tomorrow.) I have found the holder that I bought to store the scroll in. It, is, of course, still in it's wrapper, without the degree inside =.=. But then again, I bought the holder because it came with the bear that was wearing a graduation gown because I wanted Ernie to have a gown too, so I GUESS the folder wasn't very important to me.

ARGH. How does something of such a weird size go missing???

I hope the temp clerks at MOE still function in the same capacity as they did the last time I worked there. In which case, I will never have the need to surrender my Degree Scroll for their observation. Because they will keep forgetting. Or calling you for it. In which case you can just tell them you sent it in a long time ago, and ask them to recheck. And rinse and repeat each time they call/send you a letter.

I swear. That is what I suffered back in the day.

Or Malcolm, you could just photoshop one for me. T.T

Black, Blue, Green and Yellow.

In English it is blue-black.

In Chinese it is black-green.

This is because yellow + blue == green.

More on afterlife and suicide

Shelly asked: "But will you want to end your stationary existence? Will you actually act to end it? Or will your reluctance to cease existing allow for future nudges to prod you into moving once again?"

Might be stationary... but it is not completely boring and nasty.

Acting upon the will to cease existing requires too much effort and reason to change the way things are. Things are still alright. Being crippled does not mean that one does not feel or feels only pain. Being unable to feel does not mean one does not live in hope that one may feel again.

If life is not completely nasty, it does not need to be terminated. I mean, if your computer bores you, it is not like you actually try to wreck it. Leave it in screensaver mode or something and take a trip elsewhere.

As for stationary part. If one has not reached there, try not to reach there. From Boston Legal, a fictional lawyer by the name of Danny Crane said something to this effect: "Do not ask yourself 'why'. Never ask yourself 'why'. It will kill ya." Without lofty ideals that requires a great deal of blind faith to believe in, like religion, everything will fall apart in the light of infinite regression. Ok... not all things fall apart, but whatever you conclude will not be pretty. So if you have not begun, do not ever ask yourself 'why'.

Sidetracking: I believe that Danny Crane is an extremely wise character. Nothing that exits his mouth is not like completely profound or something. =D Clarity in mad cow. Truths in apparent insanity.

I have not written about my thoughts on afterlife on this blog so here goes... (Thoughts triggered by http://meyanze.blogspot.com/2006/09/journey-from-life-to-death-and-suicide.html)

On suicide

In Neil Gaimen's 'Portraits of Despair' in one of his many 'Sandman comics', there is a picture of a woman's ghost sitting alone by the roadside after she committed suicide. The tagline was "Funny... she did not feel any happier..." as she sat beside her carwreck in expectation that things will be better. I believe that the author is try to say that if one does not feel happy in this life, one could not realistically expect to be happy in the next.

On afterlife in general...

I believe that most people like to believe that the soul is eternal and afterlife is eternal too. That too is problematic in many ways.

In western cultures, if I am not wrong, the soul is ethereal and eternal and does not require material sustenance. Is that not a big problem? If one does not need material sustenance, one cannot enjoy material comforts either. Perhaps it is just me, but ask yourselves this: "What are we if we are not driven by the hope of material comforts? Can you imagine a life that does not require material sustenance and is not driven by material comforts? How is life's experiences going to be even vaguely relevant to the afterlife?" That is the way I pictured afterlife in this context: an eternity of waiting for the warmth that will never come and the food that you will never taste. And since there is no indication that one will grow any wiser all the emotional bullshit will just carry over, though you will probably not physically feel it too so everything is just imagined? An eternity of makeups with no sex and breakups with no ice cream? For religions largely influenced by Judaism (I might be wrong to make this generalisation), you start it with a trial where there is no Danny Crane can save you. And you spend the rest of the VERY LONG segment of your afterlife preparing for the court of appeals at the end of time? Now why would I wish this upon myself and others. Reincarnation is not possible, if you REALLY hate yourself, that is what you will be stuck with for a VERY LONG time and good luck trying to kill yourself again. There is a way out fortunately. If you are good boy/girl, you will probably end up with a lifetime supply of an overdose of afterlife-functional prozac and sing/gibber about your favorite idol for eternity. IMO, in this setting, 'heaven' or 'hell' or 'purgatory' all seems to suck. I do not wish to be in a situation where I have to choose between these 3 hells.

In Chinese cultures of Taoism and Buddhism, it seems much more interesting. When I remarked that there is more than enough time to rest when we are dead, HP happily chirped: "错了！ 做鬼也很忙！ 要忙着收钱。。。 收房子。。。 收汽车。。。 下面 inflation rate 很高的！还有很多 corruption！" Sounds like the rat-race on crack. HAHA. Still sounds preferable to western views, because if I am unhappy I can go smell a lot of incense. The court of appeals system is also more flexible so as long as you 集一点德 to offset 你所造的聂... you will not be sentenced to lifetime imprisonment. And the best part is! You get to drink the 'Water of forgetfulness' and start over again! Maybe as a cockroach if you 造 too much 聂. For people who want to commit suicide, I believe this is what they are looking for. Start over! It is fun! =D

Personally...

Unfortunately, I do not subscribe to any known organised structures that has anything to say about afterlife. If there happens to be an afterlife, I am not sure how I will react to it. I will react to it really badly I suppose. I am not made to live forever and I do not wish for it. I certainly hope either that I fade into oblivion or be reincarnated. If I could live forever that will truly be hell. If I wake again to find myself in an eternal place where no reincarnation is possible, I will be majorly pissed. Ok... I might be relieved for a while, but I will definitely end up being majorly pissed.

I will like to to die while I still want to live. And not have my life drag out so long that I find myself wanting to die.

Disclaimer

I find it very silly but I will just write this anyway. This post reflects my thoughts and not anyone else's.

Please refrain from framing, 'crusading', 'jihading', 'lynching', I can be reasoned with unlike some people. Just post intelligently back in a coherent manner.

If you think my replies will offend you please do not post back.

Unlike many others, I do not believe I have a court case in my afterlife. Therefore, I am less constrained by rules in comparison to others. My actions will be clear and direct for there is less need for accountability or hypocricy.

Clarification

It seems like with my last post, I have freaked out at least 2 people (see tagboard and Puffy's post). Ok, maybe not Ruixian heh. (Goodness lah Ruixian if you *really* didn't mean your statement to carry so much meaning, should just pretend right? It's really cool if you intended it to mean what I thought it did =P.) Oops. Did not intend it to be that way. Sometimes something I read just strikes me in a particular way. As in the case with Ruixian's statement, I at first thought, yes, we all do need laughter in our lives. Whether it's from relief (e.g. after you fall down the stairs but land on your feet) or because you find something amusing, a laugh will always help to brighten up your day. However, I also felt that the statement was profound because there appeared to be an underlying message - that in life, things don't always go your way, but not everything leaves a scar, and if you're able to look back at an incident that affected you in a negative way, and laugh at it, you can move on with your life.

And because I'm me, I was suddenly struck by the phrase 'laugh it all off because there's no deep scar anywhere'. It reminded me of the times in my life when my whole world was falling apart, but I had to keep smiling and go on with the show. Yes, the deepest scars are also the deepest buried. And yes, I've definitely been hurt before in my life. When you've reached my age, it's highly unlikely that you've never ever ever been wounded deep down before. Just once is enough. And suddenly this whole new side of the world will become visible to you.

I'm not exactly sad or hurting now. As it was when I read some certain post some time in the 2nd half of 2006, the incident mentioned in the post below only served to provide me with a huge sense of relief. Any sadness related to the incident would be due to the loss of a very good chance, not because of the other person involved. And perhaps upset (angry?) that he appears to be telling others untruths about me.

Ruixian's statement simply served to evoke a whole train of thought, which I just had to blog about. I believe that being hurt is actually a good thing. In JC, my classmate said that she didn't believe in God, because she couldn't believe any God would allow suffering to occur in this world. I, however, believe that you cannot truly experience life without having suffered before. It is impossible to appreciate something if you cannot fathom what life would be without it.

And that is why I would like to say to Puffy, although I'm not sad (and anyway I didn't get abandoned, and definitely not by a person I trusted), you should know that, it's only because I have experienced sadness before, that happiness means so much more to me now.

And finally, I would like to say in response to Malcolm's tag: That which does not kill may leave you crippled, and you may get crippled to the point where you do not want to move anymore. But will you want to end your stationary existence? Will you actually act to end it? Or will your reluctance to cease existing allow for future nudges to prod you into moving once again?