Sanctuary 
The Journey from Life to Death, and Suicide as a Means of Reaching the End
This title of this blog seems rather apt for this post. My online existence is to me a Sanctuary from Reality. I hide here from the world that I pretend I am not really part of, and would prefer not to be part of.
I don't know what really happened in my life that I suddenly decided that not being alive would be an improvement. Perhaps it was a gradual thing that just hit me one day.
Once upon a time, there was a person who used to call me constantly and tell me about how much he wanted to commit suicide, that there was nothing in life for him, and that he was very depressed. I didn't really know him then, and the conversations generally shifted away from the suicide topic quickly to other things. But each call would start with the same thing. And I'd be so mortally petrified of hanging up because I didn't want him to do anything stupid. And even now, I'm still certain he didn't call me because he wanted to hit on me. Maybe all he needed was for someone to listen to him. For someone to talk to him.
To that someone: Will you be my lifeline when I'm drifting aimless searching for the courage to speed up my journey to reach life's ultimate goal?
No, I'm not here seeking attention from anyone in the pretence of being on the verge of suicide. I'm not comtemplating killing myself anywhere in the near future. I'm just in a really weird state now, having read a blog where the owner has just said goodbye to the world after having planned reaching the end of life's journey.
It has been suggested that that person was merely seeking for attention, as all bloggers are apt to do on their blogs. I will not disagree or agree with this statement here, lest I demean an actual intent on the owner's part to return to God.
I'm Catholic, and will be so until the day I die. But I'm not the type of Catholic that takes whatever is written in the Bible at face value, or what I was taught in Sunday school to be the ultimate truth. I believe in God, and I believe that He is omnipotent, and forgiving, and ultimately, that He will love me no matter what I do. I do not feel the need to go to church because I feel closer to God when I talk to Him in my own way, everyday, than in a church during a mass I do not feel intuned with, surrounded by people I hardly know. I trust Him in everything that I do, and I know that after the end of this journey, He will be there to welcome me, and take me home.
I believe this will be true even if I choose to end my own life. Maybe reading Terry Prachett has convinced me that in this world, just like on the Discworld, what the afterlife holds for you is what you believe it to hold. I believe in the theory of Evolution, and I don't think it conflicts with me being a Catholic. I don't find it demeaning that Adam and Eve could have been apes. God's special creations evolved to become present day human beings, guided by the hand of God. I don't see anything blasphemous about that. I also believe that God put us here to experience life and all its sufferings and joys, so that we can better appreciate the afterlife. Someone in my JC once said that she didn't believe God could exist because He couldn't possibly allow all that suffering to go on in the world. But without suffering we cannot possibly comprehend what happiness truly is.
This is also the reason why I can understand how people can use suicide and God in the same sentence.
To all the mice I've killed for my experiments: I really meant it when I told you I felt happy for you that you were leaving this world.
Relationships, and the end of them, tend to be the cause of many contemplating suicide, or actually committing it. '我宁愿他们用仇恨将我的生命结束，也不愿意放弃爱情来换取生存' - a quote from someone's MSN. But I was right smack in the middle of the longest and most serious relationship of my life, with no end of it in sight, when it dawned on me that I didn't really feel that there wasn't anything in particular in life that I wanted to continue living for. It wasn't a death wish. Rather, it was just a lack of wanting to live. At that point of time in my life, I saw myself spending the rest of my life with this person. And so did everyone else who knew us. But I also saw myself spending my afterlife and all eternity with him. He didn't believe in an afterlife then. He apparently does now. He said then that if I died, he'd come join me immediately.
To this person: Will you still come with me? Will you come walk the afterlife hand in hand with me? Do you still want to spend all eternity with me?
I know I only want to spend this life with someone who wants to spend eternity with me. I think I decided this only after I got attached to you, because it was only then that I could see eternity with anyone.
The net is a wonderful, terrible thing. Because of it, I have been able to decide the way I would commit suicide if I should ever wish to. I have also found support sites for people who want to commit suicide. Whole forums worth of them. Sites which rate various suicide methods in terms of painfulness, effectiveness etc. There are online support groups for people to discuss how they should meet their end. Where people can chat online with each other to give each other the courage to take the last step. Where people who don't want to die alone can find others to die with. Where people will wish you a happy goodbye and wish you bon voyage on your chosen death day, and say see you soon.
If I ever choose to commit suicide, I would never blog about it, or tell anyone about it. I might hint, but I don't think anyone will notice with the cryptic way I always word things I don't want to say outright. But I would say goodbye to all those important to me. So they won't ever felt I left having unfinished business with them. So they would remember me that way, instead of having my suicide imprinted in their heads as their most prominent memory of my existence.
I've never cried at a funeral before. I was pissed at my first two grandparents for leaving. Maybe I wasn't really. Maybe I wanted to be different and not be upset, so I channelled all my sorrow to anger. I came close at my paternal grandfather's funeral. Not because he left, and I missed him (I still do, I miss all of you). But because he didn't get to die at home, with his family, and I don't even know if this was important to him, but it was important to me, because I don't want to die alone, and I didn't want him to be alone when he died. And I was upset because I couldn't bear the thought of the last people he saw being the nurses and the doctors. I don't know who was there when he left. And I don't want to find out, in case what I suspected turns out to be true. I hope he knows we loved him and that we still do. Well at least I know I still do.
Right know, I'm only certain that I will cry at the funeral of one person, and I think I will be gone long before he is. In fact, I'm quite sure of that fact. You're the only person whose testimonial in friendster I really treasure, and you have no idea how much you actually mean to me. And of course I'd never tell you, because such things as just not done. By me at least. At this point of time.
Leaving off here, not to commit suicide, or to plan my suicide. My world has come crashing down on me all in one weekend, and I'm still alive, without a suicide plan (now or then), and without that special someone there to pull me through. Many believe that suicide is an easy way out, a coward's way of escaping. I'm in the school that believes that it actually takes courage to commit suicide, to find out what the afterlife holds for you.
I don't know what really happened in my life that I suddenly decided that not being alive would be an improvement. Perhaps it was a gradual thing that just hit me one day.
Once upon a time, there was a person who used to call me constantly and tell me about how much he wanted to commit suicide, that there was nothing in life for him, and that he was very depressed. I didn't really know him then, and the conversations generally shifted away from the suicide topic quickly to other things. But each call would start with the same thing. And I'd be so mortally petrified of hanging up because I didn't want him to do anything stupid. And even now, I'm still certain he didn't call me because he wanted to hit on me. Maybe all he needed was for someone to listen to him. For someone to talk to him.
To that someone: Will you be my lifeline when I'm drifting aimless searching for the courage to speed up my journey to reach life's ultimate goal?
No, I'm not here seeking attention from anyone in the pretence of being on the verge of suicide. I'm not comtemplating killing myself anywhere in the near future. I'm just in a really weird state now, having read a blog where the owner has just said goodbye to the world after having planned reaching the end of life's journey.
It has been suggested that that person was merely seeking for attention, as all bloggers are apt to do on their blogs. I will not disagree or agree with this statement here, lest I demean an actual intent on the owner's part to return to God.
I'm Catholic, and will be so until the day I die. But I'm not the type of Catholic that takes whatever is written in the Bible at face value, or what I was taught in Sunday school to be the ultimate truth. I believe in God, and I believe that He is omnipotent, and forgiving, and ultimately, that He will love me no matter what I do. I do not feel the need to go to church because I feel closer to God when I talk to Him in my own way, everyday, than in a church during a mass I do not feel intuned with, surrounded by people I hardly know. I trust Him in everything that I do, and I know that after the end of this journey, He will be there to welcome me, and take me home.
I believe this will be true even if I choose to end my own life. Maybe reading Terry Prachett has convinced me that in this world, just like on the Discworld, what the afterlife holds for you is what you believe it to hold. I believe in the theory of Evolution, and I don't think it conflicts with me being a Catholic. I don't find it demeaning that Adam and Eve could have been apes. God's special creations evolved to become present day human beings, guided by the hand of God. I don't see anything blasphemous about that. I also believe that God put us here to experience life and all its sufferings and joys, so that we can better appreciate the afterlife. Someone in my JC once said that she didn't believe God could exist because He couldn't possibly allow all that suffering to go on in the world. But without suffering we cannot possibly comprehend what happiness truly is.
This is also the reason why I can understand how people can use suicide and God in the same sentence.
To all the mice I've killed for my experiments: I really meant it when I told you I felt happy for you that you were leaving this world.
Relationships, and the end of them, tend to be the cause of many contemplating suicide, or actually committing it. '我宁愿他们用仇恨将我的生命结束，也不愿意放弃爱情来换取生存' - a quote from someone's MSN. But I was right smack in the middle of the longest and most serious relationship of my life, with no end of it in sight, when it dawned on me that I didn't really feel that there wasn't anything in particular in life that I wanted to continue living for. It wasn't a death wish. Rather, it was just a lack of wanting to live. At that point of time in my life, I saw myself spending the rest of my life with this person. And so did everyone else who knew us. But I also saw myself spending my afterlife and all eternity with him. He didn't believe in an afterlife then. He apparently does now. He said then that if I died, he'd come join me immediately.
To this person: Will you still come with me? Will you come walk the afterlife hand in hand with me? Do you still want to spend all eternity with me?
I know I only want to spend this life with someone who wants to spend eternity with me. I think I decided this only after I got attached to you, because it was only then that I could see eternity with anyone.
The net is a wonderful, terrible thing. Because of it, I have been able to decide the way I would commit suicide if I should ever wish to. I have also found support sites for people who want to commit suicide. Whole forums worth of them. Sites which rate various suicide methods in terms of painfulness, effectiveness etc. There are online support groups for people to discuss how they should meet their end. Where people can chat online with each other to give each other the courage to take the last step. Where people who don't want to die alone can find others to die with. Where people will wish you a happy goodbye and wish you bon voyage on your chosen death day, and say see you soon.
If I ever choose to commit suicide, I would never blog about it, or tell anyone about it. I might hint, but I don't think anyone will notice with the cryptic way I always word things I don't want to say outright. But I would say goodbye to all those important to me. So they won't ever felt I left having unfinished business with them. So they would remember me that way, instead of having my suicide imprinted in their heads as their most prominent memory of my existence.
I've never cried at a funeral before. I was pissed at my first two grandparents for leaving. Maybe I wasn't really. Maybe I wanted to be different and not be upset, so I channelled all my sorrow to anger. I came close at my paternal grandfather's funeral. Not because he left, and I missed him (I still do, I miss all of you). But because he didn't get to die at home, with his family, and I don't even know if this was important to him, but it was important to me, because I don't want to die alone, and I didn't want him to be alone when he died. And I was upset because I couldn't bear the thought of the last people he saw being the nurses and the doctors. I don't know who was there when he left. And I don't want to find out, in case what I suspected turns out to be true. I hope he knows we loved him and that we still do. Well at least I know I still do.
Right know, I'm only certain that I will cry at the funeral of one person, and I think I will be gone long before he is. In fact, I'm quite sure of that fact. You're the only person whose testimonial in friendster I really treasure, and you have no idea how much you actually mean to me. And of course I'd never tell you, because such things as just not done. By me at least. At this point of time.
Leaving off here, not to commit suicide, or to plan my suicide. My world has come crashing down on me all in one weekend, and I'm still alive, without a suicide plan (now or then), and without that special someone there to pull me through. Many believe that suicide is an easy way out, a coward's way of escaping. I'm in the school that believes that it actually takes courage to commit suicide, to find out what the afterlife holds for you.
posted by Shelly at 6:03 AM
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